On the Merits of Sociology

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published On Death and Dying, a landmark book in which she outlined five distinct emotional stages of grief experienced by terminally ill patients. These five stages became famous in their own right and took on a life beyond the book and beyond any attachment to Kubler-Ross herself. It is very likely you already know the stages and can accurately put them in correct order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many people remember these stages solely because Homer Simpson once went through them all in about fifteen seconds. It's important to realize that the five stages are not exclusively felt by the dying: they are an intrinsic part of the human condition that serve as an almost universal map of everyone's ability to cope with loss. It is also important to note that these stages exist as facets of grief; they do not preclude it. One can feel anger and sorrow at the same time, even if on the surface these two feelings appear contradictory or exclusive.

I don't feel the need to elaborate on each of the stages, or what they are, or what they mean. That was Kubler-Ross's job, and I will not attempt to surpass her. I simply wish to illustrate that grieving is a process, and a rather predictable one at that. Those who have the hardest time dealing with loss are the ones who get "stuck" at one of the first four stages, and most people can name a friend, relative, or coworker who lives squarely mired in either denial or depression, for example.

These stages are natural. I would even go so far as to say that obviating one or more of the stages is a serious symptom of emotional illness. These stages are more than just abstract representations or a posteriori reactions to a stimulus. The stages of grieving are who we are. To be rid of them is to not be completely human. One of the most interesting aspects of the five stages is that each person experiences them differently, both for different lengths of time and each in his or her own way. It is OK to get depressed. It is OK to be depressed for six days, or for just six hours. Individuals approach each stage on their own terms, in a way that is natural for them. Even survivors of a catastrophic disaster are likely to attest afterwards that their experience "didn't feel like it was really happening", or "didn't seem real". Disbelief exists, even when a person is directly confronted with a situation that does not lend itself to the same skepticism that a negative medical diagnosis may provide. These stages exist as part of being human. We cannot deny them their place.

Watch this space for more posts related to grief and grieving over the next few days.