"If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts."

Oh, delightful. My favorite part is the instruction to not take the first warp zone at the end of level 1-2. I hope you find your NES-loving doggystyle Dulcinea, dude. In my admittedly less-vivid-than-yours imagination, you two get married while dressed as Princess Toadstool and Fireflower Mario, and on your wedding night she fists you with a Power Glove. You live happily together for five years, and then she divorces you after she catches you receiving fellatio from a coworker while you're playing Sonic the Hedgehog on an old Sega Genesis.

best of craigslist : Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w: "Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then."