As a Matter of Fact, I Am

"Am I blue? Am I blue?"
— The Goddamn Batman, Justice League Unlimited, "This Little Piggy"

The culmination of five years of effort and anticipation is a bittersweet moment. It's not like when NASA works to build some planetary rover and after years of preparation they finally get that thumbs-up signal from the surface of Mars that everything has deployed correctly and it's time to start taking grainy pictures of rocks. It feels more like that one The Far Side cartoon of the dog sitting on top of an overturned car saying "I don't know what to do. I've never actually caught one before."

Right now, I just have so much potential sitting wide open in front of me that it's hard to even put into words what I'm thinking and feeling. I could, literally, go anywhere and do anything now. I have been categorically informed today that I possess all the makings of a life, a career, and a financial safety net; each of which I have stressed over, fretted over, and never really felt worthy of trying to get for myself.

Well, now I have them. What next? I'm full of ambition and motivation.

It's quite liberating, to feel this way. And yet there is a mournful quality to it, too. This is what I have wanted for a very long time, and yet my reality doesn't look at all like how I'd envisioned it. Life can be a real son of a bitch like that sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm ecstatic, in point of fact. It's just that I find it weird that such a monumentous point in my life would occur with such little fanfare. Of course, I probably wouldn't have the energy for celebration. I'm tired. The race is over and I want to take off my running shoes for a little while before I go off and tilt at the next windmill. I think I'm going to go to bed early and try to recharge for fresh new challenge that is tomorrow.