The Clintons: It's a Conspiracy, Man!

I'd like to know what planet the Clintons live on, because it ain't Earth. Oh, I'll forgive them their predilections towards peepee-kiss-kiss. That's right off the table, more power to 'em. But in typical Arkansas fashion, they're not just down with low-grade sodomy, they also like to get paranoid and blame a vast right-wing conspiracy for everything that might go wrong in their lives.

"It can't possibly be our fault! We know what we're doing, so it must be a bunch of bitter, spiteful Republicans who just want to make us look bad!" Yes, because a long-standing coordinated effort among politicians to destroy the credibility of a U. S. president has never happened before in American history. Those no-good Republicans must have built some sort of sexifying hormone-makin' raygun that they pointed at the Oval Office and made poor Bill really have to put his dick in some chubby lower-status girl. Certainly not as an immature display of alpha-male dominance, but only as a last resort when praying to Hillbilly Jesus for strength didn't work out.

Huh?

This is exactly what is wrong with the Democratic party: this attitude of superiority — even in light of incontrovertible evidence to the contrary — combined with a total lack of personal responsibility. It's a "We know best" attitude mixed with a "So stop being a baby and give us what we want, you cretins" faceslap that really doesn't do much to endear the American voting population.

But that was all years ago, when Al Gore was still veep and hadn't grown that hippie beard of his yet. I mean, the Clintons would not possibly pull that tired old chestnut out again as soon as Hillary's campaign saw that the end of the line was still much too far away... would they? They would. Only now it's not a vast right-wing conspiracy: it's a vast both-wings conspiracy. Like the Democrat and Republican leaders met in a smoky back room and decided that the best thing to do for America was to needlessly stretch out the primary season until everyone is just sick to fucking death of the whole mess and thinking that McCain might not be such a bad idea.

I mean, that is so much more likely than the alternative: Hillary is a runner-up candidate with the personality of a Humboldt squid, if not slightly less huggable, who has found her niche in American voters who are afraid of the thought of their president potentially being a black man with a scary middle name.

Booga booga, America. You all fucking make me sick. The race will go to the candidate who best embodies the campaign slogan "It's the economy again, stupid." I'll give you three guesses as to who won't play that card, and the first two don't count.