The Born Slippy Breakfast Experiment

Hypothesis: Underworld's 09:43 "Born Slippy" track is so long that one can perform the reproductive act and still have time left over to prepare a proper cup of chai, complete with milk and sugar.

Method: Lacking an opportunity to perform the reproductive act, I shall prepare a proper cup of chai after starting to play the song "Born Slippy" and measure the elapsed time to do so. From there, I can take the remaining time from the song and estimate if it is a long enough time period for one to perform the reproductive act.

Necessary ingredients: 1 Trainspotting OST compact disc, iTunes, 1 cup, water to fill (approximately 250 mL), 1 Sunbeam Hot Shot quick-action water heating unit, 1 tsp Assam Melody loose leaf tea, 1 teapot, 1 tea strainer, milk and sugar to taste.

Author's note: If you can't taste 'em, they're not milk and sugar.

I started the track and prepared my tea. It would be unfair to go with a full-bodied black tea that does not require the addition of other flavoring agents, as this is a definitive requirement in the experiment. It would also be unfair to use a green or white tea, which does not require the implicit 5 minute steep time. As I waited for the tea to steep, I had time to put some frozen waffles in the toaster and check the front door for packages.

Before departing for Portland last week, Stef in her infinite wisdom unplugged non-essential devices in the kitchen to avoid any potential fire hazards. I was not aware of this, nor was I observationally-prone in my uncaffeinated state to recognize this fact, so I spent a good deal of time waiting for the waffles to pop up in a toaster that had been unplugged for about 5 straight days.

Once the tea was ready, I skipped worrying about the waffles, added sugar and milk to my cup, stirred it, and returned to my room.

Outcome: The track had finished when I returned to my room. This implies that it takes more than 09:43 for me to prepare a proper cup of chai. By checking the time when I returned, 2007-12-17 13:52 PST, I was able to validate that the song had last finished playing within 60 seconds, so the boundary on tea preparation time (t) is bound by the following inequality:

09:43 <= t <= 10:43

Further notes: After taking my final measurements for the experiment, my first attempt to plug the toaster in and get some waffles also failed, but I did succeed in a) finding the soldering iron and b) burning my index finger on it.

Conclusion: Early empirical analysis would indicate that 09:43 is an insufficient amount of time to prepare tea, so it further indicates that performing the reproductive act beforehand would not positively contribute to accomplishing both objectives within the allotted time frame.

Phase II: The next phase of this project will consist of active compression. That is to say we must go about finding ways to reduce the amount of time needed to prepare tea, reduce the amount of time needed to perform the reproductive act, and explore an unconventional but potentially quite promising arena of research in combining both activities.

More research is needed.