Thoughts on Some of This Year's Flops

• Herbie: Fully Loaded: The studio forgot something about the original Herbie movies. They weren't very good. And they were marketed as family movies. Newsflash: if you put Lindsay Lohan and a VW Beetle on the movie poster, the title of the film had better be Watch Lindsay Lohan Rub Lotion on Her Big, Full Breasts in the Backseat of This Volkswagen. I didn't get the "fun for the whole family" vibe from the trailer for this one, which of course showed nothing more than Lohan boobing around a racetrack. Or something.
  
  
• Bewitched: Dear Hollywood,
  
  Please, for the fuckin' love of all things good and holy, make Nicole Kidman stop starring in shitty remakes. Was The Stepford Wives not proof enough for you?
  
  
• Stealth: Here is a shining example of two things: 1) that an academy award-winning actor is legally required to immediately appear in a shitty action movie, and 2) Hollywood producers obviously don't read the scripts of the films they make whatsoever. Stealth is about a robot superjet that gets hit by lightning and becomes evil. And at no point during production did anyone say "Hey. That sounds like total bullshit." And there isn't even any real stealthing around in the movie, either.
  
  
• The Island: I saw the 1979 original with Peter Graves. It wasn't good then, it wasn't good when Michael Bay made it in 2005. Any director who orders Scarlett Johansson to put her bra on should be shot.

I take solace only in the fact that this year did not (to my knowledge) contain a sequel to Analyze This or Legally Blonde. Small miracles, folks.