The Upside of Extraction #2

When you get your wisdom teeth out, as I did just a couple of weeks ago, there are advantages and disadvantages. The pain, though rather minor in my case, is one of a myriad of problems. Jose, by comparison, tells me that he neglected to rinse with salt water after his procedure, and the resulting dry socket felt "like a bulldozer had parked" on his head. Everything2 simply remarks that dislodging the blood clots (the cause of dry socket) will "put you in a world of pain".

For me, the biggie wasn't how much it hurt. I take it as a point of pride that I didn't even break the seal on my bottle of Vicodin (hydrocodone 5mg + acetaminophen 500mg) until the Wednesday morning after surgery. Until then, I lived on Advil. The maximum recommended daily dosage of Advil, but Advil nonetheless. No, what bothered me the most was just the inability to do anything involving my jaw for a full week. Talking, drinking, eating, whistling, licking your lips, or really even the simple act of swallowing are all pretty much off the guest list.

But there are upsides to getting four teeth pulled out of your head. There really are. Aside from the obvious advantage of "your dentist stops bitching at you to get the procedure", there are other almost life-affirming changes to enjoy. And I'm not just talking about the chemical euphoria of your painkillers, either.

You get pudding, of course. And all the fucking ice cream you want. Who's going to cut you off? "Hey, buddy. That's your fourth bowl of vanilla. Shouldn't you slow down a little?" Nope. Not going to happen. You can just respond with "I'm sorry? What was that? I didn't know you also have recently had multiple bones forcibly luxated from your jaw. Now hand over the Breyer's and get the hell out of my kitchenette."

Another upside is music. It really is. Monk pointed me to a track list for songs to listen to after getting your wisdom teeth removed. I went looking high and low to find these tracks, and I nearly succeeded in compiling the entire mix in the days before the surgery. And some of it is actually rather good. I can honestly say that had I not had my wisdom teeth out, I would never have heard Ryan Adams or Cat Power. These are people that you will just never hear on a ClearChannel radio station, and that's a shame.

I had the luxury of a relaxing day on the couch reading, too. This is always an upside, and it's unfortunate that 21st century Americans have lost the art of spending a whole day on the couch inside a book. Granted, the book I had chosen was The Best of H. P. Lovecraft: Bloodcurdling Tales of Horror and the Macabre, which is hardly Schedule III narcotic-friendly, but still, I really can't think of a better way to experience the ghastly emergence of Cthulhu from his sunken tomb than through a fog of opiates. I suppose there are better chemicals out there for enhancing Lovecraft stories, but I have yet to find an orthopaedic surgeon who will prescribe peyote.

In all, getting my teeth out was not by any means an enjoyable experience. This included the pain, swelling, and bruising (maxillary and axillary), and the times my boss kept fucking calling me at home for every reason he could think of. There was the vomiting, the soft foods, and the huge doctor's bill to handle. But every cloud has a silver lining and I went looking for it. At home for almost a week, wrapped in a blanket surrounded by pudding, pills, a good book, and dulcet tones on the stereo, I started feeling pretty positive. I'd like to take another vacation like this sometime.

Sometime when I can actually move my face.