CNN.com - Panda mating season approaches - Mar 10, 2005

It's that time of year again, when people at zoos get paid to fail to facilitate pandas to mate. Not a year, not one year goes by that I don't read some newswire story about how some zoologists are trying to finesse pandas into doing what Alabama trailer trash generally accomplish before senior year in high school.

And you know what? They always fail. Pandas, as a whole it seems, are dedicated to their own extinction. Darwin has all but put the manila folder marked "Panda" in the circular file. The basic principles of sustaining macrocellular life must hold: eat when you're hungry, find heat when you're cold, and smear your DNA with the best recipient you can find. All the signs are there that pandas choose to ignore at least one of these. And that means they don't get to proceed to the next round. Sorry, thanks for playing. Time to give your resources to another species. Maybe one that actually finds its opposing sexes attractive.

Pandas are a past tense. And if you zoologists want to save the panda, it's time to start playing hardball. I mean, put some fertile females in the pen and then start waving a gun around. Pandas aren't stupid. You squeeze a couple of warning shots off at them and they'll put two and two together.

And if they won't mate, you kill them. Just like in Fight Club. "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." Extincting the panda will be doing the world a favor. It's time to give the panda an ultimatum and either spawn or get out of the gene pool, once and for all. Pandas are lazy, useless beasts and if we aren't going to use them for food, we just plain can't use them.