Summer Olympics: 'Member Those? They Were Dirty

The FCC, months after the Summer Olympics concluded in Athens to lukewarm attendance and mediocre events, has requested a tape of the opening ceremony.

They think it may be indecent.

OK, this means one of two things: either the FCC has possession of a time machine and is ready to prevent us from seeing a naughty bit (and, perhaps, they already have), or someone is deliberately wasting the FCC's time and thus taxpayer money.

Maybe there was a slip-up in the ceremony, or a "wardrobe malfunction", or something else that only a high and mighty paranoid Bible-beater who can't be bothered to parent his own children would think deserves a complaint. Maybe there wasn't.

Fact of the matter is that there was virtually no news coverage of anything at the time, which suggests that no one particularly noticed or cared.

What truly bothers me is the women's water polo event. I didn't even try very hard to find multiple pictures of various European women popping out of their suits while jostling around with each other in a swimming pool. I didn't catch this on TV. It was easily found on Yahoo. Kids looking for pictures of Olympic competitions for school projects couldn't miss these split-second nip slips, since pervs like me easily made them all land right at the top of the "Yahoo's Most Popular Images" category.

Really, it's not the place of the FCC to police an international sporting event. And the FCC obviously can't filter all alleged indecency from American minds. If they made the uneconomic decision not to air the next Summer Olympics, people could still catch satellite feeds, or fileshare videos over the Internet. It would be a new kind of underground, with a new kind of freedom fighter. But that will never happen. So what's the FCC doing wasting my tax money on what they cannot ever hope to control?

Beats me. The only thing that will result in true reform is if they eliminate the women's water polo event altogether. That, or possibly require that their swimsuits be glued into place with a high-viscosity non-water-soluble epoxy.

A better solution, though wholly unrealistic, would be for those Bible-beaters to stop complaining about the horrible sinfulness of the human form. As soon as I contemplate what a wonderful nation this would be if that ever happened, I realize that the original colonies were all settled by Puritans who shaped the foundation of our country and that, in a sense, it was their country to begin with.

So tell me. What nation on Earth allows me the freedom to say what I want how I want, doesn't have a bunch of rainbow currency with pictures of birds on it, and is completely comfortable with the boobs?

Canada has no cryptography restriction and is the home of OpenBSD. It's also very nearby.

The Netherlands is the land that made the fine film Karakter and most people speak enough English to point me to a cyber café. If I move to Amsterdam, I can put my mind at ease about my family history of glaucoma, too.

So. Where do I call my adoptive home? As long as the United States denies itself from admitting that women have curves and that those curves are hot, it can never really be the land of the free. I don't think the idea that the government needs to protect us from the human form is exactly pure red state or pure blue state. I think it's an abiding effect of people who will never hesitate to want to be victims and who will never think twice about making their children victims, too.