A "review" of HUMP! 7

Blag Hag gave you her review, now it's time for mine. Unlike last year, where the titles of the films of HUMP! 6 were never officially released, I had the good sense to grab an extra voting ballot so I could keep track of the entries for later.

KEGAWA SEKKUSU "FURRY SEX" - As Japanese as they get. People in full-body animal costumes mock hump a girl doing that gogo dancing thing that you see on Asian TV commercials. No sex, but yay if you enjoy watching a topless Asian girl get coated with Silly String.

GOLD PENIS - The first James Bond parody. Credit for naming the evil henchman "Handjob". Debit for using an actor who could not look or sound less like James Bond if you tried. I was reminded more of The Hills Have Eyes. The only bi scene as far as I could tell.

ONE NIGHT ONLY - I love Waxie Moon. Waxie is the tall, Y-chromosome-having unit of Dance Belt, and he is always fabulous in every sense of the word. No sex, but entertaining just because I don't think Waxie lets himself have bad days.

DONUT - People called this the only lesbian film, but it turns out both actors are trans and use the pronoun "he" according to a "Dan Savage says so" Slog post quoting one of the the filmmakers. Brits call this sort of thing sploshing, but frankly I found the donut creme-filling facial funny, though the rest of the picture was, ahem, unappetizing.

ROTOSCOPE MYSELF - Someone rotoscoped herself. Slowly and laboriously. It must have been time-consuming and she was brave to do it and submit it for inclusion in HUMP!, though it has the merit of an art school project more than as a piece of erotica.

MASTER COTTONMOUTH'S OPERATE - You want to get into HUMP!? Here's how: make your soundtrack entirely a heavy/thrash/death metal song. No other audio. Then make three minutes of footage to sort of go with the song. Options include: women in slutty nurse outfits, electro-stimulation of wangle-dangles, and lots and lots of simulated chest and thoracic surgery. Remember to use lots of Karo syrup and red food coloring and make nothing about it sexy in the slightest. See you at HUMP! 8.

GO FUCK YOURSELF - If not for another entry on this list, "Go Fuck Yourself" would have gotten my vote in the humor category. If not for a another, different, entry on this list, "Go Fuck Yourself" would have gotten my vote for Best in Show. A man finds that his future self has traveled back in time to save the world. In order to do this, they have to have sex. Extra credit goes to the dialogue: "So... Do you want to go do something today?" "Yeah, I'd love to, but, y'know. Paradoxes and shit."

KILL SCREEN - Retrotacular. Where did they get the original 1980s era bottle of Aqua Net? No matter, it's time for two girls to sexually stimulate themselves with Atari 2600 controllers.

SEXBOX 360 - Modernastic. If you masturbate while playing Grand Theft Auto IV, you unlock the Boner Bonus and a competent Nico Bellic impersonator materializes in your room to sodomize you with an Atari 2600 controller. Synchronicity was the theme of this year's HUMP! Bonus point for including the phrase "molested by Atari".

DON'T CALL ME MISSY - Simple enough, a man and a women slapping the shit out of each other. Best part: the old bruises you can see on her legs.

NIGHT OF THE GIVING HEAD - A simple zombie love story. There's karaoke, a picnic, and oh yeah: zombie fellatio.

SIX FEET UNDER - I found this to be the most conventional of this year's HUMP! entries. Man dies, priest eulogizes, but it turns out his last day on earth was spent covertly having lots and lots of gay sex. Entertaining but derivative. I actually found the priest ditching the dead guy in a church pew distasteful, but posing his hands to look like he died in prayer did elicit a hearty chuckle out of me.

KNIFE - This one freaked people out. I thought it was awesome. Yes, the knife was obviously dull. No, it doesn't matter because it was still being dragged across a woman's body. And frankly I'd never watched someone get knifefucked before.

MILLER'S DAUGHTER - The original title of this one was, I think, "Der Mueller's Dochter". Add umlauts where appropriate. It was a beautiful piece that tells the story of a late night seduction in a windmill somewhere in Holland I suppose. Performed entirely with shadow puppets. Good music. Almost got my vote for Best Sex.

THE ONE WHERE THE GIRL IS PUSHED AGAINST THE DOOR - Yes, that's the actual title. A girl wakes up and is pushed against the door. Then they have sex. It doesn't get any better than that.

A DAY AT THE BEACH - Hilarious if not repetitive. Man goes to a clothing optional beach, gay sex ensues. Amazingly good animation. I agree with the comment someone made that it looked like it belonged at a Spike and Mike's Sick & Twisted Festival of Animation screening, since at the time I was reminded of Beyond Grandpa.

PEDAL TO PLEASURE - I've now seen a woman fuck a bike.

DICK SABER - If anyone can make lightsaber special effects these days, is it still called a special effect? I got a laugh out of the line, "Yeah? Well you look like an old whore to me."

DOUBLE 0 SEXY - If you've ever wondered if the carpet matches the drapes, the answer is a resounding yes. Even if the drapes are a big curly blonde wig.

MYTHICAL PROPORTIONS - Knee-slappingly hilarious. No sex, at least none that isn't crude stop-motion clay animation. #2 on my list this year of "wish they'd release this online". So many great lines in this one: "He says something like 'Not now, woman. I must spill the blood of the orc hoard.'" "He kills all the bandits. Then he fucks me. He sort of clears the dead bodies away and makes a space. Then he fucks me." Winner phrase: "I do things with the carrot. He likes this, too."

YOU'LL FIND IT - I did not recall this one in the slightest. I had to check the HUMP! ballot: kink, sex. No humor option. Huh? Oh yeah. Dude gets wrapped head to toe in black duct tape and has things done to him. Spoiler: the piss scene is staged. God bless movie magic.

MUSIC FOR 2 HUMANS - No dialogue, just soft music and copulation. Tender, even. They looked like they were having fun.

TEENAGE DREAM - OK, I have to confess: I hadn't heard this song before this short, but it's apparently a Glee cover of a Katy Perry song, which I had also not heard. A dork hits his head in the locker room after gym class and wakes up to a song and dance routine starring his other classmates. Top notch execution, choreography, cinematography, lighting, and sound. Best in Show, #1 on the wish list. Highly recommend. If you only watch one short at HUMP! this year, make it this one. Even though it's lacking in any sex and very little kink, unless you have a thing for jock straps I guess, this one takes the prize just for an amazingly fun romp and you can tell everyone put a lot of work into making it.