Failing in All the Husbandly Duties That 1939 Had to Offer

I am a failure at being a husband. The Art of Manliness recently posted a marriage rating scale, in his and hers varieties, circa 1939. The questions for the men, including my results, are as follows:

Demerits (1 point each unless otherwise marked):

1. Stares at or flirts with other women while out with wife. (5)

Not married, but yeah, I am not capable of resisting the female form when presented in a public forum. 5

2. Reads newspaper at the table.

Does a laptop count? 1

3. Fails to come to table promptly when meal is ready.

Stef would probably agree with me that whenever she says "Dinner's ready," it is usually greeted with a "Woo!" from me and Monk. 0

4. Brings guests home for meals without warning wife.

Usually not. 0

5. Doesn't phone when late for dinner.

If I'm going to be later than usual, I'll send an e-mail. 0

6. Compares wife unfavorably with his mother or other wives. (5)

Maybe this rule only applies to sultans and Mormons. Besides, woman can only truly be compared to their own mothers. 0

7. Publicly praises bachelor days and regrets having married.

Being a bachelor is awesome. 1

8. Criticizes wife in public. (5)

Not married, but I certainly would if I were. 5

9. Belches without apology, or blows nose at table.

I regret nothing. 1

10. Leaves dresser drawers open.

Actually, no. This would bother me. 0

11. Leaves shoes in living room.

What? Maybe if I didn't have a foyer. 0

12. Snores.

Sometimes. Who doesn't? 1

Merits (1 point each unless otherwise marked):

1. Gives wife ample allowance or turns pay check over to her. (5)

Oh, HELL no. 0

2. Courteous to wife's friends.

I would sure hope so. Unless they're dispicable human beings, in which case fuck 'em. 0

3. Frequently compliments wife re looks, cooking, housekeeping, etc. (5)

Stef's cooking is terrific, and I try to inform her of this fact. I don't tell the Roomba when it does a good job, though. 5

4. Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (5)

That's what Facebook and Outlook reminders are for. 0

5. Helps wife with dishes, caring for children, scrubbing.

Not unless I am kicking and screaming. 0

6. Polite and mannerly even when alone with his wife.

I'm not even polite or mannerly when I'm dealing with senior management or clergy. 0

7. Consults wife's opinion re business and social affairs.

This is quite possibly the worst idea in the entire universe. 0

8. Has date with wife at least once per week. (5/date)

You know, I attempted this, but it didn't really work out as planned. Real dates sometimes result in having sex. 0

9. Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife.

Is she blind? 0

10. A good conversationalist.

Oh yeah. I'm a great conversationalist. 1

11. Steady worker and good provider. (5)

I like to think so. 5

12. Leaves car for wife on days she may need it.

I like to think of myself as generous with resources when folks need them. 1

Total:-14 + 12 = -2. So I'm not a terrible husband, just a kind-of-shitty one.