A "review" of HUMP! 5

Dan gave you his take on HUMP! 5, now it's time for mine. So without further ado, here's my blow-by-blow of the 2009 offerings:

DANCE BELT - Two girls, one guy, and six golden high heels make for three coordinated, albeit naked dancers. Bonus points for the cameraman being nude, too. Extra bonus points for having each of the dancers having lithe dancer's physiques.

CITIZEN CAME - You'll never look at Voodoo Doughnuts the same way again. Also, you'll think back upon this film the next time you hump a sand butt. A long time ago over on TopFive.com, I read a thought for the day which read like "What do you call a guy who can masturbate ten times in a day? No really, I want to know so I can put it on my resume." Until I saw this short, I thought that was just a joke.

FULL SWAP - Everybody's favorite scene from A Clockwork Orange? The William Tell Overture. Alex was an amateur if he only pulled off a three-way. This film, quite literally, consists of a full swap.

BOYS BEWARE - Except for the sex, I really dug this throwback to the mental hygiene films from the 50s and 60s. The sex itself was pretty incongruous when considered in the context of the setup.

READ MY LIPS - Oh, Powell's Books. You get people laid.

I'M HARD - You can never go wrong with a giant anthropomorphic rapping penis. Bonus points for Washington governor Christine Gregoire dominating Seattle mayor Greg Nickles.

THE GOOD BOOK - Aside from the fact that priests don't have mohawks (usually), and that the outfits were bought from a plastic bag in a costume shop, this was probably the most sensual and realistic couple of the set.

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN - I give credit to any girl who isn't afraid to blow someone with gusto. Even if it's on Larry King Live. Excellent editing makes it really seem like witnessing on-air fellatio is one of the Suspendered One's main news and views.

BEYOND GAY - Probably my favorite shorts in HUMP! are the non-graphic, non-explicit humor entries. Last year had "Monkey Business" and "Butthole Lickin'", and this year offers the tale of a lesbian and a gay man at their most desperate ready-to-get-hetero-for-a-minute worst.

INCUBUS - As Stef puts it, "Like Ringu for porn". If that girl from Let the Right One In grew up, pissed herself, and then got locked in a one-car garage for the rest of her life? Yeah. Absolutely gorgeous cinematography and totally professional production makes this horror film look polished and clean. (Clean from a technical point of view only.) Dear lady: my dick is scared of you.

DUMPSTER HUMPSTERS - One of the few HUMP! roles I could play myself: guy who goes to throw trash away, but can't because people are inside the dumpster having sex. If "Incubus" didn't make me want a tetanus shot afterward (P.S. It did.), then this short would have clinched it.

SEX MOVES 102 - Funny and explicit, which is a hard combination and not many people try it. I have to learn the "Clark Kent".

VIOLET UPRISING - HUMP! 4 had balloon porn. This is much the same. Bonus points for making a Victorian doll's house that Jane Eyre or Oliver Twist would love. I take away points for the nipple clamps on the old dude in the wheelchair.

MAXIMUM OVERLOAD - I'm sure Aerosmith wanted the video for "Amazing" to be like this. Plus, it's a nice (albeit derivative) twist ending.

TROLLEY TRYST - I can't ride the SLUT now because of these two. Mega bonus points for admitting they got busted by a transit cop.

GUESS WHO'S CUMMING TO DINNER - A fairly formulaic comedy that unfortunately, wasn't funny. A good premise (the grocery boy shows up with a big load he wants to put in your pantry), but it didn't seem to go anywhere other than some sex. Nice use of the apron at the end, though.

THE PASSWORD - I will not discuss this film. It is the new reason for me to want to invent eye bleach. Dear lady: my dick is terrified of you, now put the cigarillo away.

THE MODERN HOUSEWIFE - I think I might know the announcer, which is one of the fun things about watching HUMP!. Excellent costumes, and I think I might have seen one of those old-timey 1950s torpedo-tit bras. Those things make me wonder how women were built during the Red Scare, 'cause that ain't how they're built now.

I WENT TO A PARTY AND HAD A DREAM - This is why I never pass out at sex parties; someone may deem it necessary to wake me up by squirting on me.

OUR RUINOUS LOVE - First, put the meat hook down. Second, put the mouthwash back where you found it. Lastly, there is nothing to whisk up there, lady, so stop trying. I didn't see any traffic cones. I saw something bigger and blunter. Ouch.

FUCK - Too short for a parody. Too short, even, to justify making the same joke twice. Bonus points for including the line "All I need is three holes, two tits, and a pulse!"

CYCLUST - Quiet, beautiful, and poignant. Proof once again that a photo is worth a thousand words, and a photo of a person's eyes is worth a thousand more.

ET2: DARK TERRITORY - I believe this is from the same guy who made "Penis Gun Cop" last year. E.T. was a beloved childhood character of mine. I had the ET bedsheets, the ET shampoo bottle, and the ET bar of bath soap I could never bring myself to use. So seeing Elliott and ET in flagrante delicto touched some of the most sacred neurons that formed when I was just a bairn. Not cool.