You Know, Like the USS Intrepid

It would seem that persons of a female persuasion aren't allowed on US Navy boats.

Newt Gingrich famously had his arguments for why womenfolk in the armed forces shouldn't be serving in trenches. Seriously, trenches? What national army still uses foxholes and trenches anymore? I'm inclined to support the notion that women serving active duty overseas shouldn't be put in a situation where they are surrounded by seamen for months on end. It's not that girls can't pilot a sub so much as it is the fact that if and when they are sexually assaulted — or consentually knocked up — getting them out of their environs and taking them to safe harbor is difficult or impossible without compromising the mission.

As a counteroffer, I propose that we have a nuclear submarine manned entirely by women. Female captain, female XO, female engineers, and female sonar ops. Every single one aboard a woman, from chief to chaplain. Crowding a ton of girls onto a Los Angeles-class sub or better is the only way to ensure that you can have women on a boat and none are at risk of getting impregnated. Unless of course the woman are partially infused with genes of some species of fish and amphibian that can switch gender when deprived of the presence of a dominant male.

And if that were to happen, I think it would be totally hot.

The idea of an all-girl nuclear submarine in the Navy also calls into question a bunch of trite questions about whether or not women are capable of acting as officers, technicians, and so forth. I think developing a no-boys-allowed boat would put an end to all such nonsense. If the girls can steer a sub, they've got to be doing something right. Right? Then again, any kind of Exxon Valdez behavior would put the women's equality movement back a few decades, so it is of paramount importance that the women selected to serve on the sub are competent and capable. You know, just like regular crew selection for nuclear-capable ships. How's that for equality? If we don't have enough top-tier women in the Navy to crew an entire submarine yet, we are doing something gravely wrong.

And I am quite proud of myself that I have gotten thus far on the topic and still have eschewed any mention of naming the boat Red October or Crimson Tide. That would be crass.