Be Glad I Didn't Pick the Sinutab Story

Monk and I were just discussing our thoughts on the poem read today at Barack Obama's inauguration. He points out two things I agreed with: a) it sucked, and b) it was still better than the poetry read at G. W. Bush's inauguration, which was nothing.

This got me to thinking about what I want to have read when I get elected. The obvious jokes came up: "Ahem. I like big butts, and I cannot lie...." or "Thank you, thank you. Please be seated. It's Friday night and the lights are low. Looking out for a place to go...."

I would want my Presidential poem to reflect on the fact that making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

But ultimately, I wouldn't choose a poem, per se. I'd want Mark Leyner to read something verbose and esoteric, like one of my favorite excerpts of all time.

male hormone oozes from every fucking pore in my body    i
sweat male hormone    i drool male hormone    my tears are
pure male hormone    when i exert myself i stink of
testosterone    my balls are like giant planets engulfed in
chaotic storms of toxic gases    i'm like some beast who marks
off his territory with his reeking yellow urine    my sperm
is like a virulent milkshake of recombinant worms    my
penis smells like an uncorked decanter of fermented
smegma    geysers of purple molten shit explode from my
asshole, destroying villages in its path    i'm all man    100%
man

— Mark Leyner, excerpt from "psychotechnologies of the somber workaholics", My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist