"Please be safe, G!"

I heart Fry's. Like, a lot. Particularly because of examples like what happened last weekend. Monk found a copy of Sega's hallmark rail shooter game The House of the Dead 2 and 3 for the Nintendo Wii.

Let me state that again in case you missed it: Monk bought my very favorite shooting game since Duck Hunt for a console that uses a remote device with a trigger on it for its controller.

We have been tearing shit up ever since.

The House of the Dead 2 is a simple story, one as old as Romeo and Juliet and twice as moving: you play some guy with a gun, and you shoot zombies until you run out of quarters. That's about it. There's a guy named Gary and one named James, but only if you have a buddy to co-op with you — one who has an insatiable lust for shooting at things and causing chaos. (Hey there. I'm Toby. Good to see you.) I have no problems popping caps in zombies, henchmen, swamp things, piranhas, and hostages. I don't care if you're only six: you probably did something to warrant getting shot. By me.

The great thing is, with the Nintendo Wii there are no quarters to limit your wanton ass-kickery. When you die, you just restart and go back to town. This is my own personal Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo. Only I'm pretty sure that Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo lacks a bevy of women in distress who flee from the lurching undead half-heartedly screaming "Don't come! Don't come!"

It's amazing what you miss hearing in a crowded arcade. These girls aren't just saying it; they're saying it like they don't really mean it. It's hilarious in a sick and twisted kind of way, but it's not like the rest of the dialogue is Chaucer or something. There's no chance that this game is going to ever win an award for best writing. Best game where you run around shooting everything? Maybe.

Games like this are incredible for zoning out after a rough day and simultaneously working out some aimless aggression. Combined with some intense cardio at the gym a few nights a week, I almost don't want to throttle people anymore.

Almost.