To the Gentlemen With Whom I Work

As a man who works alongside other men, sharing the same office amenities including but not limited to breakrooms, hallways, elevators, men's rooms, and so forth, I must ask one seemingly simple question.

How hard is it to keep your piss in the urinal?

Seriously guys. I'm a grown man and so are all of you. We exclusively hold the domain called "peeing standing up" that teeming throngs of women have silently envied since before Freud started asking us about our mothers. I think we can handle an operation that can be distilled down to "walk up to urinal, point penis in general direction of urinal, try to get all piss into urinal".

Women, I have learned, do not understand our perfectly constructed guy-logic as it pertains to urinal etiquette, distancing, and approach order. Men, it appears, implicitly grok all of these unspoken rules yet fail to heed the simplest desires of our fellow gents: "while putting my piss in the urinal, I strongly wish to not have to stand in a puddle of yours".

Without fail -- WITHOUT FAIL -- every urinal I approach in any location be it restaurant, movie theatre, airport, or office, has a yellowed spot directly underneath the urinal, usually still light-reflectingly moist. Am I the only man on this planet who aims for the inside of the porcelain?

In short, you're all animals and there's no wonder why women all detest us for acting like savages. Aim for the urinal, you arrogant fucktards. If I see the rich mosaic of splatter that I just encountered again, I'm going to switch to using the toilets for purely hygenic reasons.