Bare

I woke up at 6:36 this morning crying, and the days are not getting appreciably easier. I'm not entirely sure why this is still so hard. There are new places and sounds all around me and there are new things to see and eat and do.

I should be feeling great.

Instead, I have this unbelievably heavy feeling that hasn't left me the entire time I've been out here. One of such unfathomable betrayal it feels, sometimes, like I am literally carrying a chip on my shoulder.

If God took corporeal form and walked up to me while I was out and about, I'd throw a punch at Him, no questions asked. I've asked all of the questions I think I'm allowed to ask. Animal, vegitable, or mineral? Bigger than a breadbox? Turns out the answer was "You got played, long and hard, and people who purport to love you will stab you in the back repeatedly without a second thought just because they can. Oh, and no one cares and the torrent of sorrow that wells up like a geyser from within your black and eroded soul goes unheard by a callous, unfeeling God. Have a nice day."

Jess informed me that there is a Doktor Sleepless #0 which I was not aware of, so I should reserve further judgment on the series until I've read it.

Also, I have an appointment scheduled for blood testing this afternoon, so I finally get to figure out what kinds of sex bugs are eating away at my brain tissue. At this point, I honestly don't know what to expect from the results when they come back, but I will be comfortable knowing exactly what I have, if anything. The woman who answered the phone was like "Do you want this to be anonymous?" I said "Not a chance. The name is Toby, and I'm interested in your full HIV and sexually-transmitted disease testing offerings."

Wish me luck. I hate sex bugs. I was under the mistaken impression that these kinds of wait-and-see-if-you're-toxic actions were never going to be a part of my life. Then again, I was under a lot of mistaken impressions for a very long time.

Once I get a 9-volt battery, I'll be able to measure the dimensions of my room. That's an OK starting point. I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, but today I feel like I'm on my hands and knees.