A Few of My Favorite Things

Let's take a look at the real, untouched list of what Blogspot believes to be my favorite films:

The House of Yes - A successful man has problems convincing his psychotic twin sister to accept that he's going to marry a plebe from Pennsylvania. Revolver fu ensues.

Fight Club - A successful frequent flier meets a nymphomaniac who destroys his sense of well-being and leads him to ultimately become a violent schizophrenic willing to destroy every credit card company in Delaware. In the book, he hatches this plan out of love for her. In the movie, he shoots himself in the face.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - A successful Klingon diplomat is murdered in a conspiracy orchestrated by a Vulcan famous for also being a slutty department store mannequin and a slutty Manhattan alcoholic.

Caligula - A successful Roman pervert ascends to the ultimate seat of power, makes his horse a senator, rapes a bride and groom on their wedding day, and makes a reliable revenue stream for Bob Guccione for twenty years.

Starship Troopers - A successful high school FutureBall player enlists in the army because that's what his girlfriend is doing. He gets whipped, loses the lady friend to somebody with a higher IQ, and is perfectly OK in the coed showers until eventually boinking his best friend, who in the book was a dude, and who summarily dies dramatically the following day. He assumes command of his squadron, proving that no matter how much you loved the fat-lipped ditz who damn near wrecked your space frigate, you can get over her by ruling your subordinates with threats of a humane execution at any time.

Don't Let Me Die on a Sunday - A successful teenage corpse is raped back to life by a sullen morgue attendant. The teenager attempts to find out why the man is so depressed and, in return for restoring her life, struggles to put meaning into his.

Pi - A successful mathematician prefers to spend time licking the sticky goo that comes out of his homebrew supercomputer than trying to get to know the hot, doting neighbor who looks after him in between his psychotic episodes.

Eyes Wide Shut - A successful doctor finds out his wife once thought of maybe, possibly, sorta doing another guy. Outraged, he skulks around the city in the back of a taxi cab trying to figure out where the hot orgies are taking place. Having done nothing of any consequence, he decides that he can't keep any more secrets and returns to his wife, who is cool with the fact that one conversation with him caused him to disappear for, like, three days chasing nude women around New York City.

Bubba Ho-tep - A successful musician winds up in a nursing home after deciding to cheat his adoring public by switching places with a look-alike. Thirty years later, he convalesces in Texas with JFK, gets a handjob from a sexy young nurse, and fights a mummy.

Serenity - A successful criminal decides that he needs to not keep the harmful, psychotic arthouse girl on his spaceship anymore. In rejecting her, he learns that secrets are bad and the way to get what you want from people is to give them a choice between doing your bidding or shooting them.