A "review" of Snakes on a Plane

Sometimes it's very enjoyable to watch a movie that completely ignores things like physics, reality, or logic. Snakes on a Plane is one such movie.

The plot centers, well, the plot doesn't really matter, does it? Snakes on a Plane delivers one thing: snakes, and they are, in fact, on a plane, though the fact that it's really a jet is a minor discrepancy left for the aviation nerds to bicker about endlessly. Two FBI agents, Agent Samuel L. Jackson and Agent Not Samuel L. Jackson find themselves aboard a flight whose tranquility is sabotaged by angry, venomous reptiles.

Folks, it gets better. Not only are there snakes on this flight, but there's every imaginable air disaster stereotype as well. There's the Street-Smart FBI Agent, of course, but there's Surfer Dude, Stoner Couple, Doesn't-Fly-Well Guy, Pompous British Executive, Upper-Class Girl with Toy Dog in Tow, and Young Brothers Alone for the First Time. Did I mention Flamboyant Male Flight Attendant and Attendant Who's Retiring to Start a Better Career After Just This One Last Flight? The guy who wrote the Snakes on a Plane screenplay did no research, or independent thinking, whatsoever. I'm guessing he stitched together characters from other flight disaster movies (and apparently borrowing from Lost in Yonkers at times as well), concocting situations where other movies' characters kept getting bitten by special effects over and over for two hours.

Is this a "good" movie? Uh, no. I don't think that's a question you should be asking from a film called, in case you forgot, Snakes on a Plane. This isn't Chaucer. I'm thrilled that I've finally sat down and watched a movie that delivers what it promises. By comparison, The Pelican Brief had no birds in it and Patriot Games was mostly Harrison Ford running around without so much a game of Twister. Is it too much to ask Hollywood for a film that returns to simpler times when we didn't need complicated Guy Ritchie story arcs and lots of character background? We don't really need to know who put those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane because it's not intrinsic to watching Samuel L. Jackson kick motherfucking ass.

At this point in his career, I would pay money to watch Samuel L. Jackson star in Standing in Line at the Bank and Trying to Get a Refund from the Cable Company Over the Phone. It doesn't matter that having snakes on a plane is an exercise in Flublean absurdity. Samuel L. Jackson is his own reason for being, and the fact that he's smart enough to avoid working titles like "Untitled Samuel L. Jackson Project" is a testament to his awesomeness.

Snakes on a Plane is goofy fun, something so fluffy and devoid of meaning that it makes The Glimmer Man seem more like Marathon Man. You're not going to walk out of this movie remembering some brilliant piece of clever dialogue or lauding a masterful bit of cinematography. If you want masterful shots inside an otherwise unwatchable piece of drivel, watch out for the Umbrella Corporation-brand shell casing in Resident Evil. Snakes on a Plane isn't under any kind of pretense about giving you anything but the obvious. Expect snakes, expect a plane, and expect to have a good time. If you expect anything more, you're expecting too much.

The movie had everything I wanted it to have, except maybe a car chase. Given the fact that it compensated for this in a multitude of ways, I think I can forgive it. What it lacked in car chases, it made up for in deaths, biting, titties, and Sinister Green Snake-O-Vision. If Snakes on a Plane isn't nominated for an Academy Award, it will be because they lack a category for "Most Snakes on a Plane". I have no doubt that there isn't much supporting Snakes on a Plane's actor, actress, supporting cast, director, screenplay, sets, costumes, effects, or score.

If you're OK with that, then you'll love Snakes on a Plane. Short, simple, and to the point. This movie restores my faith in New Line Cinemas, the enclave of bastards who greenlighted the spectacular crime against humanity they called The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Yes, folks. Snakes on a Plane was that good, if you have as generous a definition of "good" as I do.