An Open Letter to the American (Non-)Moviegoing Public

Dear America,

What the hell is wrong with you? How on God's green earth can you possibly choose to go see a that miserable week-old flick Flightplan over Serenity? Serenity is the film that owns you, and Flightplan is just an unimaginative remake of Hitchcock's The Lady Vanishes on an airplane.

Do you not care? Do you not realize that right now Joss Whedon is alone in his bedroom? Crying. At this exact moment he's sobbing into his big typewriter-shaped pillow and whenever anybody asks him if he wants some juice, or maybe some French toast, he just talks in that hyperventilating, gasping for air between convulsions way that toddlers do. "I. (huff) Don't. (huff) Think. (huff) So."

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Do you not realize the hard work that that man put into making the most kick-ass 119 minutes you'll see all year? Do you not understand the difficulties he's went through trying to get his unique vision of a space-western future into your TV sets each week? Fox cockblocked him at every turn, and this film was his last chance to entertain your sorry-assed, uh, asses, before he closes shop and trips the light fantastic to someplace that will appreciate him. Maybe Germany. Maybe Belize. Hell, I don't know. All I know is that you chumps here in the U. S. don't deserve a man like Joss Whedon, with your Big Macs and your Tae-Bo and your reality television.

Second place? 10.1 million dollars in 3 days? These are not the ways we tell Joss we love him. First place! 10.1 million on opening night! Where were you on Friday night? Probably out doing drive-by shootings, or whatever the hell it is you Americans do instead of going to the movies. Serenity died for your sins, m-----f----r. Remember that when you die and find the movie is there waiting for you at the right hand of God, judging the living and the dead. It will know that when the chips were down, when the pressure was on, when the movie needed you most, you denied it three times.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in the angry dome.