Doctor Who Superlatives

Originally written 2005-06-25.

I finally took the time tonight to sit down and make myself watch "The Parting of the Ways". Best episode ever?

Not quite. But it had some good moments to it. I give it an A for effort, a C for plot, and an A++ for deus ex machina. This does not disappoint me since I know that Doctor Who is, if nothing else, a long and glorious celebration of the art of deus ex machina.

I just never thought I'd see it literally. Sure, there have been plenty of episodes that end with "...and the TARDIS fixes everything." "But what about th—" "Everything." "There's like eighty guys outside—" "Everything."

So I'm not going to call foul on "The Parting of the Ways" just because the writer chose to end the season with a typically Doctor Who kind of twist. To recap: the previous episode ended with 400,000 Daleks preparing to vaporize Earth. Sure, that just raised more questions than it answered, and many — but not all — were answered in "Parting".

Without giving too much away, my initial suspicions that the war between the Daleks was going to be marginalized were half-right. The Daleks get most of the attention in this episode, which makes perfect sense, but the whole Earth vs. Daleks thing kind of never materialized, which I predicted. There is a fleeting nod to this horrific attack which is contained in only a sentence or two. The parallels between this episode and the Tim Burton film Mars Attacks are legion. To avoid spoiling it for you, I will simply say that "Parting" pays as much attention to Earth's safety as Mars Attacks pays to the vaporization of the U.S. Congress.

And so, the season is ended. We've seen all we're going to see of Christopher Eccleston's Doctor. It's going to be a looong wait 'til December.

Without further ado, I present my list of Doctor Who 2005 season superlatives: the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, all encapsulating 13 episodes of Timelordy goodness in an easy to digest format fit for publication in Entertainment Weekly or, perhaps, a free weekly alternative newspaper.

Best Use of a BA in Nutrition: "The Doctor Dances": while being chased by a hospital filled with zombies, The Doctor urges Captain Jack to hold onto his banana, not because it may aid their escape, but because it is "a good source of potassium".

Best Doctor Quote (Serious): "Don't. Touch. The Baby.": It's established in Doctor Who canon that one person cannot come into physical contact with himself in the past or future. This creates a paradox in the time vortex that is usually resolved by pyrotechnically destroying toucher and touchee. So after Rose destroys the world in "Father's Day" and meets herself as an infant, The Doctor tries to prevent further calamity by forcefully uttering this command to her.

Best Doctor Quote (Silly): "I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words." In times of crisis, The Doctor will try just about anything. In this case, he has ordered a hoard of zombies to obey him by telling him he's very disappointed in them all and they should go to their rooms. We appreciate knowing that The Doctor also realizes just how ridiculous it sounded.

Best Quote (Overall): "Are you my mummy?" For the same reason that we all remember that Twilight Zone episode where Bill Mumy was the all-powerful boy who could wish things into the cornfield and kept the last few adults in his life terrified of displeasing him, we now remember the empty child. The empty child's strength keeps growing, and this goes against society's fundamental rule that children do not have power. Seeing adults terrified of a child is just one of the things that makes his persistent question all the more creepy.

Best Use of a Sonic Screwdriver: "Boom Town": we all know it can open locks, interface with computers, and repair breaks in most materials. But did you know it can interrupt a transportation signal, override it, and reverse it? Me neither.

Worst Network Security Procedures: U.N.I.T, "World War III": U.N.I.T. hasn't changed their password in a couple of decades, which is how The Doctor can still get into their computer systems years later. OK. But why did they put their entire missile control system behind a series of protected barriers that all use the same password? Hey, U.N.I.T.: fire your sysadmin.

Best Thing About the End of the World: In 5 billion years, Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" will be considered "classical music".

Worst Thing About the End of the World: In 5 billion years, so will Britney Spears's "Toxic".

Best Home Security Testimonial: The Doctor tells a worried Rose that even the combined forces of Genghis Khan couldn't get into the TARDIS. And then he assures her that they tried.

Best Use of an Anne-droid: "Bad Wolf": In the future, game shows are lethal. It goes to show, then, that the android who reads the questions is also capable of turning you into free-floating atoms. When the Anne-droid says "You are the weakest link. Good-bye," she means it.

Best Bisexual on TV: Captain Jack Harkness, "Bad Wolf": After confirming that he's completely naked on live television, Captain Jack's first reaction is simply "Ladies? Your viewing figures just went up."

Smartest Assessment of a Strange Situation: Rose, "Rose": After being chased by department store mannequins, Rose correctly deduces that normal people could not be compelled to act so stupidly. Therefore, she concludes, they must be students.

Worst Use of a Nokia: "The End of the World": In a couple of minutes, The Doctor can turn Rose's plain Jane mobile phone into a trans-temporal communicator. So how does the phone know precisely when she wants to call her mum?

Best Anachronistic Fashion Sense: The Doctor, "The Unquiet Dead": The Doctor insists that Rose change into a period costume before stepping out into 1860's Italy. Him? He's now wearing a different colored shirt. The only people to complain about his choice in clothes are Rose (naturally) and Charles Dickens, who informs The Doctor that he looks "like a navvy". The Doctor's only defense? "What's wrong with this jumper?!"

Best Pissing Contest: The Doctor and Captain Jack, "The Doctor Dances": You thought only screwdrivers could be sonic? Guess again. By the time the 51st century rolls around, screwdrivers are about the only thing that isn't sonic'd up. So when Jack whips out his sonic blaster, he starts rattling off everything it can do. It's a big gun with flashy blue lights that can slice, dice, shred, disintegrate, repel, and do your taxes. The Doctor's screwdriver pales in comparison, both in size and in convenience as a weapon. The resulting argument, regarding why someone would be inspired to even create a sonic screwdriver, is terrific. (Of course, the entire tiff is really just an encoded argument over who Rose likes more.)

Most Whipped: Mickey: "I love you and everything," says Rose, "but I'm going to jump into a time machine with a stud in a leather jacket and have amazing adventures in time and space. You stay here and I'll drop by every several months when I need something from you." And what does Mickey say? "OK." It's obvious that he's absolutely torn to pieces over his girlfriend's new occupation, and it's good acting on behalf of Noel Clarke, but I think I'd like the character more if he actually grew out of the tired "I'll always be here when you need me" role. Dude, you're more of a fool for love than I am.

Least Probable Thing: "The Parting of the Ways": The Doctor tells Rose about Barcelona, a planet where the dogs have no noses and no one ever gets sick of the obvious joke therein. Really, Doctor? No one gets even the teeniest, tiniest little bit tired of it? Ever? Unlikely.

The "Mulder and Scully Were Right Award" Goes To: The Doctor and Rose: They kiss. Not only do they kiss, but they really, really ham it up first. "My head is killing me," says Rose, in exactly the same sort of way she might say, "How can I pay you for this pizza?" "I think you need a doctor...." The Doctor replies, in full-on porn actor mode. And then we get a shot of the afterglow. Literally. The friendship dynamic of these two has irreversibly changed, and all because of a little smoochy-smoochy. Sad.

Best "Get Out of Jail Free" Trick: The Doctor, "The Parting of the Ways": Sure, he and Rose kiss. But then afterwards, he goes and regenerates into a completely different person. This makes the "I lost my pager" excuse look amateur by comparison. Things getting too heavy with a certain lady? Regenerate and she won't even recognize you when you pass her on the street. Nice.

Worst Episode: "Boom Town": this episode is like an appetizer. It is the thing you eat while you're waiting for your food to arrive. While I appreciate this episode's power to wrap up a loose end from the earlier "Aliens of London" storyline, it all seemed very bland and uninspired. It's hard to believe that the same episode that starts with a nuclear facility being built in Cardiff to annihilate Earth ends with a tête à tête dinner at a bistro and doesn't involve going to the nuclear plant whatsoever. It's a little like Milhouse lamenting the Poochy episode of Itchy & Scratchy: "When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?!" The dinner scene itself is really the focus of the episode, but the entire rest of the episode is weak and wasted.

Best Episode: "Father's Day": see it and you'll understand. It is not merely the best episode of the season, but the first ten minutes are quite possibly the best ten minutes of television ever. No joke.