Mack Bolan, Watch Your Ass

I am Jack's blurb on the back of his hardcover dust jacket.

You know the one. "CIA agent Jack Smash never wanted to go to Colombia, but when his arch-nemesis Harcourt and the rest of the Dark Falcon Operatives kidnapped his family, he had no choice in the matter. Now, aided only by an experimental new toothpaste given to him by Dr. Kevin Paulson, he stands to make a decision between saving the world and saving the life of his youngest daughter...."

Those things always end with an ellipsis for no good reason. I have often found that the blurb on the back is always technically correct, but either so utterly deceptive that it fails to convey the actual flavor of the book ("Man, the experimental toothpaste was in, like, two scenes.") or sometimes it's actually much better than the book itself. (I'm specifically thinking of Meg in this case.)

So it turns out that I'm in the middle of my own dilemma, blurb and all. I think it goes a little something like this:

"Toby was just a typical system administrator looking to run out the last five minutes of the day before heading off to a sports bar for the night until he received an e-mail message that would change his very way of life. Now, aided only by his pretentious demand for excellence in networking software, he stands at a cross-roads trying to both find a new, reliable, and cost-effective DNS record hosting company and establish a migration process that will maintain connectivity to the servers, not just for his corporate intranet, but for every single computer in the world...."

Celebrities who I suggest will play me when the novelization gets turned into a major Hollywood motion picture:

• Moby
• Johnny Depp (if he's willing to shave his head again just like in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)
• Michael Stipe
• Ben Kingsley
• Clint Howard
• Avery Brooks
• Edward Norton (Naturally.)