Microsoft Regrettably Puts Down Jerry Seinfeld

(Reuters) -- Dateline, REDMOND, WA. In a move predicted for weeks by analysts, Microsoft Corporation (NYSE: MSFT) today announced a reduction in workforce. Though not as high as the 10% to 15% figures suggested by some, those among the corporate casualties included stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who was euthanized at approximately 11 AM Pacific time today.

Seinfeld, known primarily for his hit television show on NBC in the 1990s and for his humorous observations on little things in life, had recently appeared in a series of commercials alongside Microsoft founder and chairman Bill Gates. The commercials touted the software giant's flagship operating system Windows Vista, but both the commercials and the product were met with criticism. Many called the advertisements "random", "confusing", "non sequitur", and "outright embarrassing", and Microsoft earnings reports show it did not bolster the sagging Vista brand. As a result, few were surprised to learn that Jerry Seinfeld was first on the list of people to be eliminated.

Seinfeld was briefed at approximately 10:30 AM by Steven Sinofsky, who greeted the comic with a forced happy face and chipper voice. Sinofsky threw a Superman action figure, one of Seinfeld's favorite toys, into his car. When Seinfeld jumped into the backseat to retrieve his childhood hero, Sinofsky quickly closed the door and hugged a crying Steven Ballmer before driving away. "He knows it's his time," Sinofsky told Ballmer.

As he drove the star of 2006's "Bee Movie" to the humane shelter, Sinofsky was guarded and humorless, resisting any conversation starters that Seinfeld offered, including "What's the deal with child safety locks in the backseats of cars?" and "Who are the geniuses that put that stop sign back there?" Upon arriving at Paws Unlimited in nearby Bellevue, Sinofsky ushered Seinfeld into the waiting room where he interacted noisily with fellow comedians D. L. Hughley and Dane Cook. After about ten minutes, Seinfeld was taken into a back room and told by Sinofsky that he was going to "a better place". Seinfeld's last known words were "Why do they say the grass always greener on the other side? Other side of what? Isn't it the same grass everywhere? Who looks at grass and says 'This isn't quite green enough'?"

In lieu of memorial services, Sinofsky has promised Ballmer that he will enlist another famous comedian for their next major advertising campaign. Ballmer was last seen excitedly asking his assistant to find the contact information for Sinbad's agent.