He Robs the People as They Swim and Wade

"His little piece of the tourist trade
This little fella's really got it made
From May to mid-July."

[Originally written on 2008-11-23.]

Awoke this morning due to a phone call — no one knows where to find me who I'd speak to on the other end, so I let it ring. Hours later, after the unabating barrage of housekeeping requests of knocking, knocking on the other door, and finally waking me with an "Hola. ¿Clean de room?" I check the voicemail. Today is Domingo — Sunday — but the cheerful concierge asks me to let her know how I'm enjoying my stay and I should call her back... Monday through Saturday. I dosed off last night watching some atrocious 1980s or early 1990s sexploitation film. They all have fairly generic and interchangeable titles like Sexual Malice or Carnal Crimes. I imagine somewhere in California's beautiful San Fernando Valley there is a computer that churns out these scripts. The formula is: young blonde married to older professional man meets dangerous stranger/artist who takes her on an erotic journey and ultimately the LA detective shows up to complicate matters. If I can hack together a 20-page synopsis that follows this shallow plot progression, I think I'll call it I Shot You With My Penis. Monk and Stef are already poolside, so I'd best hurry along with a shower, a shave, and get out to my deck chair for some sun.