The Circus Incident from my Childhood

I am finally vindicated. The facts are these:

1. Carrolltown is a small town north of Johnstown and Altoona, located in Cambria County, Pennsylvania.

2. Wayne Franzen founded the Franzen Brothers circus. He was killed during a performance in Carrolltown, PA on May 7, 1997 by a Bengal tiger. There are multiple accounts of the spelling of the tiger's name, including "Loo-Kah" and "Lucca".

3. Reports indicate that the circus performance during which Wayne Franzen was killed had an audience of roughly 200 people, including children and family members.

4. The Johnstown-Altoona area is serviced by television station WTAJ, a local NBC affiliate.

5. Season 8, episode 21 of NBC's situational comedy series Wings, "Oedipus Wrecks", had an original airdate of May 7, 1997.

6. The plot synopsis of "Oedipus Wrecks", as summarized by TV.com, is: "Brian is surprised to find out his new girlfriend, Emily has a son that is already in college. Further complications ensue when Casey takes a shine to the younger man. Meanwhile, Joe and Roy go to the circus: Joe to try and deal with his childhood trauma and Roy to demand an apology from the clown who humilated [sic] him in his act." (emphasis added)

Unsubstantiated personal account detail: I remember that WTAJ announced the incident in a scrolling "Breaking News" bar overlayed with their regularly scheduled programming. The alert aired during this exact episode of Wings. You can only imagine how often something like this happens in a lifetime.

On the Future of Music

Every so often, I like to peruse elbo.ws and see what the hip youngsters are listening to these days. It's surprising to see, for example, that The Raveonettes were in town tonight touring and I missed their show. Damn.

Maybe I should check elbo.ws more often.

In any event, I like to cull random bits of music from the site and get a taste of new sounds. I might not like the song, but I'm willing to give it a shot. It's the classic "try before you buy" dilemma. A potential consumer may listen to what you're selling and walk away without buying anything. Then again, he might like what he's heard and buy an album on the spot. He might not buy the album then and there, but he may listen to the song over and over again and buy the album later. He might talk about the song to his friends. There are a lot of things he might do if he hears your music for free and takes a shine to it.

On the other hand, you're never going to find him if you don't let anyone hear your music in the first place. I consider the number of concerts I've attended where I heard the group play, then bought their album after the fact. (Answer: one and a half. All were opening acts and I didn't pay to come see them play.) On the other hand, I consider the number of times I've heard a single through one channel or another and fell in love enough with the sound to get the album. (Answer: many.)

So I was very dismayed to find that every link to a particular track on elbo.ws had taken the song down by request of the band's label. In the music industry, there's a difference between "music you give away for free" and "music that is stolen from you". Only a lawyer could tell between them, I'm sure. I don't begrudge the record label for protecting the artists' intellectual property, and I don't begrudge the audiophiles for capitulating to that request.

The problem as I see it is that I've never heard of the band and don't know if I would like them or not. I was willing to give it a shot, and the label has decided to decline that possibility.

Now I will probably never hear the band, or buy the album. And the next time they're playing a gig in town? Well, it probably wouldn't even register enough in my synapses to make a note of it. Maybe an established band with tons of recognition and throngs of adoring fans could get away with enforcing strict control of their music online, but for an indie group this is definitely a step in the wrong direction.

A "review" of Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

If this man asks you if you want to be a vampire, you say yes.

Savor Seattle

We went on a Savor Seattle tour through Pike Place Market today. Having been there many times, it was a very rewarding experience to broaden my horizons and visit some of the places that I have walked by for years and never even noticed were there. Some notes:

Fonté Café & Wine Bar - Excellent Ethiopian Beloya coffee. Sweet, tastes like berries.

The Spanish Table - I was told that there is such a thing as manchego cheese with a rosemary rind. I must find this. Also, manzanilla olives will probably go well in a martini. If I ever start drinking martinis again, this will be important.

World Spice Market - A staple of Seattle's culinary scene. They have a new offering that they are still tweaking: "chider". It's hot apple cider mulled with chai spices (cardamom, pepper, clove, ginger, cinnamon, and star anise). They mix it with roiboos, which gives it just a hint of nuttiness. Will have to try to reproduce their recipe this year before it becomes nog season.

Bavarian Meats - Gut essen. They have lots of Ayinger in their fridge.

Svedala Bakery - Who knew I'd need to find a Swedish bakery in order to teach me that cardamom bread (a) exists and (b) is delicious. Also, aeropress coffee is unbelievably smooth.

Thoa's Restaurant & Lounge - Upscale Vietnamese within convenient walking distance of the SAM. They had a great softshell crab roll.

Pan Africa Market - Entirely vegan, except for the dishes that aren't. They are waiting on their state liquor license, and now so am I.

KuKuRuza Popcorn - Gourmet flavored popcorn in a tiny little store I must have walked by a dozen times. Excellent cheddar cheese popcorn and their rocky road is heavenly.

A "review" of HUMP! 5

Dan gave you his take on HUMP! 5, now it's time for mine. So without further ado, here's my blow-by-blow of the 2009 offerings:

DANCE BELT - Two girls, one guy, and six golden high heels make for three coordinated, albeit naked dancers. Bonus points for the cameraman being nude, too. Extra bonus points for having each of the dancers having lithe dancer's physiques.

CITIZEN CAME - You'll never look at Voodoo Doughnuts the same way again. Also, you'll think back upon this film the next time you hump a sand butt. A long time ago over on TopFive.com, I read a thought for the day which read like "What do you call a guy who can masturbate ten times in a day? No really, I want to know so I can put it on my resume." Until I saw this short, I thought that was just a joke.

FULL SWAP - Everybody's favorite scene from A Clockwork Orange? The William Tell Overture. Alex was an amateur if he only pulled off a three-way. This film, quite literally, consists of a full swap.

BOYS BEWARE - Except for the sex, I really dug this throwback to the mental hygiene films from the 50s and 60s. The sex itself was pretty incongruous when considered in the context of the setup.

READ MY LIPS - Oh, Powell's Books. You get people laid.

I'M HARD - You can never go wrong with a giant anthropomorphic rapping penis. Bonus points for Washington governor Christine Gregoire dominating Seattle mayor Greg Nickles.

THE GOOD BOOK - Aside from the fact that priests don't have mohawks (usually), and that the outfits were bought from a plastic bag in a costume shop, this was probably the most sensual and realistic couple of the set.

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN - I give credit to any girl who isn't afraid to blow someone with gusto. Even if it's on Larry King Live. Excellent editing makes it really seem like witnessing on-air fellatio is one of the Suspendered One's main news and views.

BEYOND GAY - Probably my favorite shorts in HUMP! are the non-graphic, non-explicit humor entries. Last year had "Monkey Business" and "Butthole Lickin'", and this year offers the tale of a lesbian and a gay man at their most desperate ready-to-get-hetero-for-a-minute worst.

INCUBUS - As Stef puts it, "Like Ringu for porn". If that girl from Let the Right One In grew up, pissed herself, and then got locked in a one-car garage for the rest of her life? Yeah. Absolutely gorgeous cinematography and totally professional production makes this horror film look polished and clean. (Clean from a technical point of view only.) Dear lady: my dick is scared of you.

DUMPSTER HUMPSTERS - One of the few HUMP! roles I could play myself: guy who goes to throw trash away, but can't because people are inside the dumpster having sex. If "Incubus" didn't make me want a tetanus shot afterward (P.S. It did.), then this short would have clinched it.

SEX MOVES 102 - Funny and explicit, which is a hard combination and not many people try it. I have to learn the "Clark Kent".

VIOLET UPRISING - HUMP! 4 had balloon porn. This is much the same. Bonus points for making a Victorian doll's house that Jane Eyre or Oliver Twist would love. I take away points for the nipple clamps on the old dude in the wheelchair.

MAXIMUM OVERLOAD - I'm sure Aerosmith wanted the video for "Amazing" to be like this. Plus, it's a nice (albeit derivative) twist ending.

TROLLEY TRYST - I can't ride the SLUT now because of these two. Mega bonus points for admitting they got busted by a transit cop.

GUESS WHO'S CUMMING TO DINNER - A fairly formulaic comedy that unfortunately, wasn't funny. A good premise (the grocery boy shows up with a big load he wants to put in your pantry), but it didn't seem to go anywhere other than some sex. Nice use of the apron at the end, though.

THE PASSWORD - I will not discuss this film. It is the new reason for me to want to invent eye bleach. Dear lady: my dick is terrified of you, now put the cigarillo away.

THE MODERN HOUSEWIFE - I think I might know the announcer, which is one of the fun things about watching HUMP!. Excellent costumes, and I think I might have seen one of those old-timey 1950s torpedo-tit bras. Those things make me wonder how women were built during the Red Scare, 'cause that ain't how they're built now.

I WENT TO A PARTY AND HAD A DREAM - This is why I never pass out at sex parties; someone may deem it necessary to wake me up by squirting on me.

OUR RUINOUS LOVE - First, put the meat hook down. Second, put the mouthwash back where you found it. Lastly, there is nothing to whisk up there, lady, so stop trying. I didn't see any traffic cones. I saw something bigger and blunter. Ouch.

FUCK - Too short for a parody. Too short, even, to justify making the same joke twice. Bonus points for including the line "All I need is three holes, two tits, and a pulse!"

CYCLUST - Quiet, beautiful, and poignant. Proof once again that a photo is worth a thousand words, and a photo of a person's eyes is worth a thousand more.

ET2: DARK TERRITORY - I believe this is from the same guy who made "Penis Gun Cop" last year. E.T. was a beloved childhood character of mine. I had the ET bedsheets, the ET shampoo bottle, and the ET bar of bath soap I could never bring myself to use. So seeing Elliott and ET in flagrante delicto touched some of the most sacred neurons that formed when I was just a bairn. Not cool.

Life in a Post-Terrorist Attack World

In September 2001, Islamic extremists hijacked four commercial jets and coordinated simultaneous attacks on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center in New York City.

The ensuing years of the collective American psyche have been beset by fear and irrationality. There have been overreactions on the small and large scale, everything from the waterboarding of suspected terrorists in secret prisons to the day-after effect of very shocked, very scared people not wanting to stand next to a man in a turban at a bus stop.

In many ways, the American populace lost its innocence that day. For years before the attacks, people enjoyed the idea that the U.S. government was some kind of big nefarious entity with shadowy three-letter acronymed organizations hellbent on deceiving the American public and pulling wool over eyes. It was a simplistic viewpoint, one reminiscent of the classic tinfoil-capped conspiracy theorist telling us the moon landing was faked and Oswald had help. In this old era, there were no real bad guys, so people naturally went about inventing them. In the absence of an actual threat, the human mind will create a perceived threat. It is how we operate and is intrinsic to our nature.

Then, suddenly, there was a very real threat and we grew aware that there were people from somewhere else who very much wanted to hurt us. Without much resistance, the idea that Uncle Sam was the bad guy fell out of fashion. Though the conspiracy theorists were still around, it was not appropriate to disparage the government that, provably, wanted to protect you and defend the American way of life.

So now we find ourselves in 2009, mired in an endless war against terrorism and chronically unable to free ourselves from occupying Iraq. The terrorists are still out there and there is much debate over how well we've handled the treatment of our various suspects and persons-of-interest. Is now the right climate for an X-Files porn parody?

Back in the 1990s, when Jon Stewart had his own goofy cable (non-news) talk show, having an X-Files porn parody would have been timely and appropriate. Now, however, the world is a very different place. I have my doubts that the American people have fully recovered from that ill-fated day in 2001. Assuredly, Americans are impatient. We want very badly to have won by now, and our disdain for our government stems from that wish for haste and heavy action. Perhaps in that narrow channel of irritation with our leaders there is just barely enough room to nestle a film that expertly fuses a healthy mistrust of the federal government with big-titted girls who need to be fucked and fucked hard.

I'm not sure the population is ready for this, but I am optimistic. I want to believe.